When I was 58 I married my best friend, Brian, who was 70.   Two years later he had his prostate removed as it was full of cancer, then a few months later he was diagnosed as having "dementia, probably alzheimers".

We'd been living in Etobicoke, but had just bought a cottage close to Lake Simcoe.  We now live at the cottage most of the time.  I haven't sold the Toronto house or added on to the cottage as I don't know whether we'd be better off in Toronto some days.  Brian's happier at the cottage, we have good friends and super neighbours, and the Alzheimers Socy in Barrie who have been awesome.  Thursdays Brian goes to a VON adult day program in Barrie from 9 - 3 which gives me a little time on my own.  Unfortunately I have to drive him everywhere though, and we're about 25 mins from Barrie.  I don't like driving much either.  I rent out half of the house in Etobicoke, and most of the upstairs is my studio, office and painting storage.  I rush over there one day a week just leaving Brian here.  I paint, teach, move work, see galleries, whatever I need to do plus clean a bit, cut the hedge etc. perhaps have lunch with a friend, then rush back up to Brian in Alcona.   I can see the time coming when I will not be able to leave him safely ... some days I wonder if it's here already ...

I'm finding it's a little like living with an active alcoholic ... I never know what I'm coming home (or waking up), to.  Will he be happy, sad, crying, sleeping, angry, argumentative ... ??  I suppose he doesn't know either.  I have polio and wear a long leg brace, and I can deal happily with pretty much any physical problems anyone has, but I have a very hard time with mental/emotional problems.

I have 4 sons who don't see much difference in Brian.  They haven't spent long enough with him, and he is SO good at hiding how he really is!  One lives in North York, one in Australia, one in BC and the other in Florida.  So they are not able to help much.

Well, that's where I am this now ... and I'm off to make sandpaper letters and numbers for one of my grandsons.  The cat is sleeping and Brian is alternately dozing and "reading". 

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I'm feeling very alone ... is anyone out there?  I have no idea what I am 'supposed' to write here or what I CAN  write here ...

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